How Do We Perform In Life?
If we're acting all the time, why aren't we aware of it?
Have you ever wondered… “Am I an asshole?”
Maybe. Maybe not. But at some point, you’ve probably acted like one without realizing it.
We all have. Thanks to a little thing called self-deception, which is what makes acting “natural” in the first place.
It’s a lot easier to do and say things seemingly out of character when your situation compels you to play that part. It also makes sense when you consider the evolutionary logic of deceit, i.e., we deceive ourselves in order to better deceive others.
What is self-deception?
Evolutionary biologist and author of the Folly of Fools, Robert Trivers defines self-deception as:
The active misrepresentation of reality to the conscious mind.
He categorizes it as an information-processing bias that obscures the brain’s relationship with implicit and explicit memory. This is particularly interesting when you view it through the lens of acting and sociology.
Sociologist Erving Goffman, for example, described “constant self-deception” as that which “results when, what were originally two different roles, actor and audience, are compressed into the same individual.”
In stressful moments, lying to yourself (the actor)—and in turn those around you (the audience)—becomes second nature as it facilitates social survival. This is painfully obvious (literally for introverts) in social interactions that lead to first impressions, such as job interviews, first dates, presentations, or meeting new people.
The problem is that “deception” is a loaded word. As is “self-deception.”
But most people aren’t actually trying to dupe everyone around them, nor are they strategically manipulating others on their way to the top.
Generally, we’re all simply engaging in a process of impression management, which often has little, if anything, to do with “the truth” of who we are.
You could be presenting an idealized version of yourself or a weak, less intimidating one. Either way, you're trying to preserve yourself in a society built on appearances.
Trivers describes the latter as “deceiving down,” a survival mechanism commonly found in the animal kingdom and frequently exhibited by humans in competitive situations:
[…] we usually think of deception where self-image is concerned as involving inflation of self—you are bigger, brighter, better-looking than you really are. But there is a second kind of deception—deceiving down—in which the organism is selected to make itself appear smaller, stupider, and perhaps even uglier, thereby gaining an advantage. In herring gulls and various other seabirds, offspring actively diminish their apparent size and degree of aggressiveness as fledglings, to be permitted to remain near their parents, thereby consuming more parental investment.”
Trivers, “Self-Deception in Everyday Life” 167
Why don’t we notice self-deception?
In short, it kicks in like any other survival instinct. If you really think about it, this is kind of built into the very structure of social interaction, especially modern-day communication that relies heavily on representational cues.
Depending on the context of your situation and the type of people you’re interacting with, you’ll automatically determine what you need out of the interaction (motive), why you need it (intent), and adapt your behavior (speech, tone, body language, personal views, mannerisms, wardrobe, and overall conduct) to elicit the desired outcome (action).
Your motive might be as simple as avoiding embarrassment—a perceived threat to social survival and one of the most powerful catalysts for acting in life.
The scene is set, the role is defined, all you have to do is “make it your own,” not much different from the assignment of a professional actor.
Case in point: Meet the parents
Let’s say you’re nervous about meeting your future in-laws. What if they don’t like me or think I’m not good enough?
A few days later, you might run out of damns to give and hype yourself up. You know what, screw this. I’m just going to be myself! If they don’t like me, too bad!
Yet you’re aware that a bad impression could lead to a potential conflict in your relationship. So despite your vows of “authenticity,” you’ll likely adapt to the situation to get that approval as it relates to your social survival.
This can manifest in a whole bunch of ways.
You might censor your opinions around them, feign interest in things you don’t give a damn about, or exaggerate the values you have in common. Depending on your emotional investment in the role, you might even tell yourself: Wow, this is going better than I thought!
Source: GIPHY
Regardless of your awareness of this conformity, your responses would probably be heavily censored to elicit a favorable reaction, contrary to your initial commitment to the “truth.”
What acting techniques do we use?
Day in and day out, we’re expected to play a range of roles to fulfill our obligations in society—a child, parent, manager, partner, colleague, mentor, competitor, friend, lover, neighbor, acquaintance, civilian, activist, the list goes on.
But some of these roles will inevitably collide as you prioritize different events in your life.
In order to juggle these important roles, we switch effortlessly between role attachment and role distance (or as sociologist Erving Goffman would put it, between sincerity and skepticism) to hold our place in society.
This isn’t a moral code whereby sincerity equals good and skepticism equals bad, but rather a spectrum that indicates the level of emotional investment in each role.
Now, you might not prepare for these roles the same way a professional actor does. But that’s because you’re not Marlon Brando playing Vito Corleone on the set of The Godfather.
You’re [insert social identity], playing [insert social role] in [insert situation].
For example: You’re [Thomas, a dude with crippling social anxiety], playing [a cheerful barista] at a [busy coffee chain].
What is role distance?
Role distance is the art of standing estranged from the part you’re playing. (Think Bertolt Brecht’s “distancing effect”).
It can be an incredibly convincing and somewhat disruptive acting technique—in some sense, far less demanding since you don’t have to go through the trouble of convincing yourself in order to convince your audience.
It could also be a form of masking, which would explain why some people don’t notice when a seemingly confident person is actually a victim of extreme social anxiety.
This kind of skepticism would stand in contrast to sincerity or role attachment where you’re emotionally invested in the part you’re playing. (Think “Method acting” in film — more on that in future.)
For example, Thomas might fully immerse in his cheerful barista role upon interacting with a customer who also happens to be a friend. His feelings would now be congruent with his presentation of self.
This is why professional actors often choose to stay in character between takes. To some degree, they need to blur the line between where they end and their character begins.
And then, of course, you have The Fielder Method.
Source: GIPHY
Then why do I suck at social interaction? Isn’t that the whole point of acting—to influence others?
Contrary to popular opinion, acting in everyday life isn’t always about the confidence game nor a masterclass in deception. Sometimes it’s an alignment between what you’re intuiting and how you’re behaving in response to those intuitions.
For instance, you might be suspicious of your partner and not care to hide it. Or you might be worried about embarrassing yourself and make a self-deprecating joke to let your audience in on it. In other words…
Acting can also be a manifestation of self-awareness. This is particularly evident among actors who use role distance and critical thinking to challenge and subvert social norms.
Role distance gets a bad rap in the real world due to its close association with cult leaders, financial crooks, and sociopaths. But it’s not the same thing as absence of empathy.
In fact, in some cases, it could be empathy on steroids because of the multitude of perspectives available to you. We hear about professional actors doing this all the time, but think of satirists or comedians. Or even your favorite writer.
Now think of your own life. If you were diagnosed with an illness, you might go to great lengths to appear healthy—maybe even pretend to be marvelously happy—to simply keep your family from worrying incessantly about you.
It is not assumed, of course, that all cynical performers are interested in deluding their audiences for purposes of what is called ‘self-interest’ or private gain. A cynical individual may delude his audience for what he considers to be their own good, or for the good of the community, etc.
Goffman, “The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life” 11
Ultimately, acting in “the real world” is about navigating self-deception and self-awareness as we experience the sometimes conflicting and arbitrary nature of social reality.
Does any of this resonate with you? Share your thoughts in the comments below!
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