The (Work) Nightmare Before Christmas
Prepare for the Work-apocalypse.
Photo: Severance (Apple+)
Table of Contents
Mid-November’s a strange time.
You’re done with the year, but not quite. Ready to move on, but not entirely. Then just when you think it’s safe to wind up, you remember all your half-baked commitments from the beginning of the year.
What about the idea I had? The project I planned? The promotion I wanted?
So much to do, so little time. You’re better off saving your energy for frantic holiday shopping and awkward family reunions. Besides, how much can you possibly accomplish in six weeks?! Well, this is the calm before the storm. Here’s what you can expect in the weeks that follow.
Third-quarter panic
It’s the same story every year.
Some clown comes up with a “bright idea” that everyone seems to love, but no one cares enough to invest in. Maybe you’re the poor bastard who volunteered to help. Maybe someone just happened to “recommend” you. Either way, you’re about to learn some lessons.
- “Team work makes the dream work” isn’t a philosophy; it’s a trap.
- An idea without budget is basically a brain-fart.
- Sucking up > competence. ALWAYS.
- How much booze does it take to greenlight this dumpster-fire of a project? Surprisingly less than you think.
If only this came in the onboarding package.
Now the Board wants an update. Some douchebag will deliver the bad news. But not without acting like the idea wasn’t theirs to begin with. Chaos ensues and the blame-game begins.
Suspicious Emails
While executives call in secret meetings to forge alliances and find a scapegoat, every leader will turn to their teams to ensure loyalty and trust. Expect cryptic emails and mousetraps. I’m talking managers-blind-copied-in-emails-type of shit.
Of course, it doesn’t have to be this way.
If you have a decent boss, it’s clear blue skies for you. Nothing out of the ordinary, just a regular conversation to bring you up to speed while acknowledging life outside of work. (lol, remember that?)
But if your boss is a selfish prick with the emotional maturity of a 10-year-old, prepare for inclement weather. The sudden display of vulnerability will catch you off-guard, make you paranoid, and drive you slightly insane.
Where is this coming from, why are they telling me this, what am I supposed to say?
You’ll wonder: “Am I overthinking, or was that totally inappropriate?”
You’ll feel cornered, confused — maybe even concerned about your own future. But unless you’re friends with the office gossip, you’ll never know what the hell is going on. So go ahead and book that coffee chat. They’ve been waiting with bated breath to spill the tea. ☕
Management feigns interest
Atlanta (Netflix/Crave)
While you’re trying to put the pieces together, you might draw the attention of a higher-up. Behold, the grace of a corporate god shines upon you! The question is: Why? Why does this self-involved dipshit suddenly care about you?
You’ll have mixed feelings about this one.
On one hand, you’ve managed to get a senior leader’s attention. Maybe someone sang your praises? Maybe working overtime paid off? Or maaaybe it’s just a tone-deaf egomaniac looking for redemption after a major fuck-up.
Maybe that’s all this is. A reputation management campaign.
Either way, the ball’s in your court. Would this person risk their paycheck to protect you? The motherfucker learned your name two days ago. If you have no dog in this fight, you might as well stay out of it. Practice your poker-face and let your eyes do the talking: “Karma’s a bitch, John. And so are you.”
If someone acknowledges your existence at the height of a corporate clusterfuck, chances are you’ll play a role in their comeback story. And hey, you could make it worth your while. But you’d be risking a lot for someone who talks a big game and delivers jack-shit.
Choose wisely.
It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there… but sometimes it’s all bark and no bite. Play along. Play it cool. Play it smart. You got this.
Someone gets the axe
Seasonal layoffs can go one of two ways.
If you’re lucky, the person who gets canned is the same self-serving asshole. The two-faced snake with an unjustifiable salary, who brought extensive experience in gaslighting from 20 years in leadership, and a culture of empty rhetoric from another 20 in “operations”.
Suddenly, they’re gone. The curse is lifted.
Slack messages are filled with confetti emojis and hallelujah memes. The office brims with hope. Purpose. Meaning. For the first time in history, HR speaks a language you understand. Is this… joy… at work?!
Wait, don’t get too excited. This only happens if you’re lucky.
Typically the firing squad goes after the easiest target. Random names on a call-sheet who didn’t stroke enough egos and spent too much time listening to that annoying thing called a conscience.
Someone gets promoted
(but they don't deserve it)
You know what comes after a shocking round of layoffs? A series of shocking promotions. Now under normal circumstances, this would be good news. Unfortunately, the people in charge of terminating staff are also in charge of rewarding them.
This is called a similarity bias.
According to the Neuro Leadership Institute, it’s one of the five biggest biases that affect our decision-making regarding people, including who to hire, who to promote, and who to assign to projects:
If your office lacks diversity at the top, you’ll see the same kind of folks get promoted and hired. Cut from the same cloth. Bred with the same bias. They dress the same, they talk the same, and they worship the same god.
They put the “cult” in culture.
Severance (Apple+)
But don’t give up. Not yet.
While you’re sitting there processing the absurdity of “a career”, someone will finally speak up. They’ll say what everyone’s thinking and they’ll say it with heart. Their candor will inspire you to be brave and protect your authenticity. (Or whatever’s left of it.)
‘Course, it’ll be totally above their paygrade and they probably won’t stick around for long. BUT…
You’ll always remember that speech. That courage. That time someone spoke up not for praise, politics, or a performance review, but simply for the greater good. History will be made. And you will hold on to this moment for the rest of your work life.
You realize what you actually do for a living
Photo: The Studio (Apple+)
Believe it or not, there is a silver lining to all of this.
One of the best things you can take away from Workapocalypse is clarity. Clarity about your role, your needs, your goals — and the goals of your employer. Maybe things aren’t as great as you thought they were, or maybe your tolerance for BS has gone up.
Whatever the case, it’s your chance to recalibrate.
We spend a third of our lives working. That’s roughly 90,000 hours of your life. You don’t have to love your job in order to do it well. But the worse it gets, the more likely you are to develop unhealthy coping mechanisms.
Clarity is the best thing you can have because it helps you confront the worst things about your job, your relationships, your life. No bullshit narratives, no excuses, just facts waiting to be acknowledged.
So if the next few weeks get chaotic, don’t panic.
Do what you did before you accepted the job: Name your price.
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FILM RECOMMENDATION
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