What keeps you up at night?
Hades, god of the Underworld, answers your existential questions.
Table of Contents
It’s time to dim the lights, grab some popcorn, and get ready for a fall-tastic countdown to 🎃 Halloween 🎃. This month we’re exploring the world of FEAR.
Look, I know there’s a lot to be scared of right now. Wars, political mayhem, economic uncertainty, deranged leaders, technocrats, climate change, you name it.
But having the will to ask “how” and “why” takes courage, which you, my friend, clearly have in spades.
So as a spooky little surprise, I’ve invited a special guest to walk us through this week of October. Someone who’s been through the valley of the shadow of death.
In fact, he literally owns it.
Say hello to an old friend…
Name’s Hades. God of the Underworld and all that. Nice to meetcha, how you doin’?
Things are okay down here. You know, a little dark, a little gloomy, and as always, full’a dead people.
Anyway, seems like our mutual friend here has a bit of a problem facing their own fears. So much for “breaking the fourth wall”, ya know what I mean? Heh heh heh
Um… still here.
Er, right, hey, a deal’s a deal.
I’ll be passing on centuries of morbid wisdom in less than a thousand words for your, uh, “convenience”.
On one condition.
We get through this week together, you and me, and if you dig my style, you share this thing on… whatever the fuck you mortals are hooked on these days.
WhatsApp, Instagram, Gods-R-Us.
Keep this shindig goin’, ya know?
Thoughts that keep you up at night (with Hades)
Best part of bein’ Lord’a the Dead?
Ya get used to the dark.
Gotta say, been sleepin’ like a log since the eighth century. But the incoming traffic during your little, uh, virus situation, sheesh, haven’t seen anything like it since the Great Depresh.
Hey, hang on a sec, will ya?
PAIN! THE GATES!
See, um, between you and me, I’ve got a major deal in the works. A real estate venture, if you will, with some hooligans on your side of the fence.
Premium clients, if you catch my drift.
But, uh, let’s just say some people seem to be getting in the way of it…
Listen, may I call you “bud”?
Look, you should reconsider, I’m tellin’ ya, there’s nothin’ like the sleep’a death, you won’t regret it.
Ahem, let’s stick to the script here. We have a word limit.
UGH, fine.
‘Kay, I got a list I’m s’pposed to go through here, let’s see.
Hmm… “Thoughts that keep you up at night.”
Seriously?
A bit juvenile for the morbidly depressed, don’tcha think? I’m more of a “Vanity Scare”-kinda guy myself…
Whatever, let’s get this show on the road.
"Will I ever find love?"
Listen, babe, if I got a soul for every broken wedding vow, I’d be ruling Olympus by now.
Everybody’s got a weakness… I mean, for what? Pandora, it was the box thing, for the Trojans, hey, they bet on the wrong horse, okay?
Ya gotta find your Achilles’ heel and leave it to the fuckin’ Fates. If the stars align, you bet your li’l tush there’s a poor sucker out there waitin’ for ya.
See, every fortnight (when Aphrodite actually shows up to work), she sends her little minions to make sure your “sweetie pie” gets neglected by mommy and daddy. Juuust enough to leave a You-shaped hole in that pathetic little heart.
‘Member Hercules and Meg, those ol’ saps?
Haven’t seen that much love in a room since Narcissus discovered himself.
Almost got their souls too, but the little shit turned out to be a god.
Sigh, whaddya gonna do, ya win some, ya lose some.
Hey, me again. The word limit’s kinda strict so if you could just—
I know, I know! Geez, goody two shoes over here…
"What's the meaning of life?"
“Hmm. Good, good.”
Look, I love a good existential moment, I really do. Nietzsche’s an ol’ pal. God is dead and we killed him. Ladies love it, Zeus hates it, it’s edgy, it’s hot, 10 outta 10.
But to unleash true horror, ya gotta pick a lane. I’m talkin’ total commitment.
First, you go allll in on an enticing illusion. Then one day, you realize it was all a lie.
A bad fuckin’ deal. Poof! All gone. Just like that.
Wait ‘n watch your precious little world fall apart.
Oh, the insomnia, the despair, the madness! It’s my favorite part’a the game: sudden death. Sigh, I get choked up just thinkin’ about it.
Not to sound like a broken record, but if you could please keep it shor—
Look, all I’m sayin’ is, why worry about the meaning of life when you can just… give up on life itself? Will power, schmill power, psh, who needs it?
Live a little, ya know?
Or, more to the point: don’t.
"Why did I say that?"
Sweet, sweet embarrassment.
Where would the Underworld be without this delicious contagion?
Y’know how you lay there in bed, all warm ‘n snug, re-playing the most humiliating moments of your day? Shit gets me goin’ Every. Fuckin’. Time.
See, the more you worry, the faster you age. The faster you age, the less time you have. The less time you have, the closer you are… to me.
Whether the thing you regret saying was, in fact, “regrettable” is insignificant. All that matters is you drive yourself insane.
I mean, it’s really not that bad once you get past the voices…
What happens after death?
"Why did I say that?" (from 20 years ago)
Hey, you can’t cross out my question!
You see, after millennia of watching your kind walk through my gates, I’ve learned a thing or two about mortals. Sweet, self-absorbed, clueless mortals.
You think you control everything.
Sure, you live for love, but guess what, you also die for it. Slow, sudden, gruesome, gray, death comes for every last one of you.
I’ve seen how you depict me in your stories — adorable stuff.
But see, if I were you, I’d pay attention to this fella here who portrayed me in one of your little TV shows. Had the good sense to consult yours truly on his lines:
(Supernatural, S5, E21)
“You have an inflated sense of your importance. To a thing like me, a thing like you… well, think how you would feel if a bacterium sat at your table and started to get snarky. This is one little planet and one tiny solar system in a galaxy that’s barely out of its diapers. I’m old. Very old. So I invite you to contemplate how insignificant I find you.”
“Death” played by Julian Richings
Stirring performance, Richie, I was really moved.
But he missed a teeny-tiny detail.
Most of you die looong before we meet.
Stress, diabetes, overconsumption, herd-like conformity.
Whatever you’re doin’ up there, it’s workin’ fabulously. For me. Blegh, what the hell was that?!
“Sheesh, gotta call past control.”
Where was I, ah yes, all those irreversible moments from twenty odd years ago.
Look, do yourself a favor and savor them. Bathe in them. Stress yourself to oblivion and you’ll be half-way to your grave.
Hell, I’ve got the perfect luxury suite here in the Underworld with your name written all over it! Why d’ya think I’m expanding my real estate?
Anyway, that’s all the time I got.
Hey, you, knock-knock, that’ll be 600 souls, naïve and hopeful, like I billed, plus 66 for the Styx tour.
Wait, wasn’t this a pro bono kinda deal?
Excuse me? You think I’m running a charity down here? Sigh, fine, I’ll take cash!
Yeah, I’m kinda… broke. I quit my job to start this blog, remember?
WEEKLY FILM RECOMMENDATION
Well, that was fun.
How about staying on for another round, Hades?
